A cluster of miscellaneous thoughts that either originated in my iPhone’s notes app or scribbled in the margins of my chem homework.
October 5, 2016: On Happiness
It’s come to my realization that no matter how much I wait for the “right time” to relax and let myself be happy, it’s never gonna happen. Happiness takes work. Mere contentment with your lifestyle takes work. And although it will probably take years for me to practice what I preach, I’m gonna say it anyway. Despite the burden and stress that come at you every single day, you have to find the little gratifications tucked in the tiny nooks and crannies of every awful, tear-inducing moment. I bet there are definitely some hidden things to be grateful for because not everyone is as miserable as I am. In high school, the whole four years was just a waiting game- waiting for cross country season to finish, waiting to get through with AP exams, waiting to survive IB, waiting for the days when I would feel liberated again. But I just don’t think it works that way. College is so hard for me. I haven’t even reached week 2 yet and I already want to back out. But the more I lock myself in my room or mope around about how much work I have to do or get angry at myself for making wrong decisions back to back, nothing is gonna change the fact that I’m here in this sucky situation that will never right itself until I can see through eyes of gratefulness and hope instead of fear and resentment. If you were stuck in a lifetime of stress, would you still be able clear the fog of hatred and find good things in the world? Because that might be your future. You inherited the tendency to get yourself into things that make you exceptionally miserable…all for the sake of reaching that vision of wealth and success. If you’re not brave enough to step out of that lifestyle, at least do yourself a favor and fix your attitude on the way you plan to achieve your happiness.
June 8, 2017: On Being Cute
A new image: I want to get rid of my willingness to appear cute. Just because I’ve been feeling really disgusted with myself lately upon the realization that in order for me keep up with this reputation, this need for appearing adorable, I’ve had to glorify my helplessness quite a lot. A lot A LOT. There’s nothing cute about squealing when you see an insect, or audibly whimpering at the face of something miiiiildly problematic (like a locked door to the restroom). And the little ticks and gestures of making yourself visibly smaller now makes me cringe so hard: walking on tip toes, flailing your arms around, hunching over, tweaking your voice so it’s a pitched higher and a volume lower (aka baby talking), idly tilting your head from one side to the other as if you don’t understand anything that a person is saying. My point is I was/am doing all these things in public just to get attention, just so people can come to my aid simply because I was acting “cute”. NO!!! We’re doing away with that mentality! Don’t get me wrong, there are people who are naturally adorable, and they’re probably doing everything right in their lives. But the difference between acting cute and genuinely being cute is the mere integrity test: would you act the same way if people weren’t around? Because in regards to many of my actions, I know I definitely wouldn’t be acting this lame if I was alone. It’s just annoying to me now. I’m annoying myself lol. More than that, it perpetuates this weakness within me that I really don’t like. Maybe this is a subconscious thing. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism for insecurities because it’s nice when people are readily there to help you, especially when you show that you need help in the first place. Dammit, I can be a strong capable independent person! I can be a strong capable independent girl!!!!
July 13, 2017: On Feeling Ugly
I’m not feeling myself, not in the sense that I don’t know who I am but in the sense that I don’t exactly like who I am…I’m just not really loving me right now. We all get in these dips from time to time I think…feeling disgusted or shameful about our actions. For me, what triggered it is the fact that I’ve seen myself in a lot of candid videos and snapchats recently and even the mere glimpse of a frumpy side profile – sunken nose bridge, cheeks tainted with acne scars, the shadow of a lady stache bordering my lips, etc. it grosses me out. Then I feel almost guilty for having walked around so confidently when I know that I’m not…really…anything special. It made me look inside and seek for inner qualities that should balance out the unattractive mess of the outside, but doing that only made the situation worse because I really don’t have many redeeming qualities (except maybe a strong immune system, knock on wood). I don’t study hard, I’m narcissistic and selfish, I crave fame and superficial materialistic things all the time, I’m jealous, I’m incompetent, I’m lazy, I’m insecure, I’m insecure, I’m insecure. I usually am one to tell myself to move on and forget because this sort of thing is something that can be switched based on a simple decision from the mind, but it really does make me a little sad.