[BURNOUT SERIES PART 1]
I’m going downhill really quick. From Square 1 to Square -3 in less than a day. I don’t know how it happened but everywhere I turn, there’s a slab of impenetrable cement keeping me in one place. I’m in a box and the stench in here is suffocating me. The walls are too high that I can’t get out on my own; surroundings too desolate that there’s no one to call for help. Being in this place – in this pit – has become a routine. No matter how hard I work to steer clear from it, to cultivate a new perspective about it, my armor of prayers and preparation always shatters in the face of the same depressing battle.
The pit is a time, a place, and a war all in one. It blinds you into seeing nothing but dead ends; thrives off the cracks of weakness in your character, testing whether you can still believe in yourself, even when it’s not convenient. Deadlines, burnouts, anxiety, stress, guilt – a nuclear web of negativity designed to trap you in a state of helplessness.
Stiff neck and swollen eyes from sleeping too much. Chapped lips and aching stomach from a consistently poor diet. I want to tell myself to get it together, but whenever I look at the mirror, I face a reflection who points at the teetering placard hanging around her neck: CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
I slide to the ground. Knees to my chest. Chin on my knees. Fingers in my hair. I pull hard until I can actually feel something. My brain feels like it has short-circuited, putting a halt to all the things I’ve tried to preserve since my last breakdown. The motivation, curiosity, warmth, and passion – all of it is being suppressed by numb indifference.
God – seriously – where am I?!
Also -seriously – where are You?
Breaking Good Habits and Reverting to Bad Ones: A Photoset