I’m going downhill really quick. From Square 1 to Square -3 in less than a day.  I don’t know how it happened but everywhere I turn, there’s a slab of impenetrable cement keeping me in one place. I’m in a box and the stench in here is suffocating me. The walls are too high that I can’t get out on my own; surroundings too desolate that there’s no one to call for help. Being in this place – in this pit – has become a routine. No matter how hard I work to steer clear from it, to cultivate a new perspective about it, my armor of prayers and preparation always shatters in the face of the same depressing battle. 

The pit is a time, a place, and a war all in one. It blinds you into seeing nothing but dead ends; thrives off the cracks of weakness in your character, testing whether you can still believe in yourself, even when it’s not convenient. Deadlines, burnouts, anxiety, stress, guilt – a nuclear web of negativity designed to trap you in a state of helplessness.

Stiff neck and swollen eyes from sleeping too much. Chapped lips and aching stomach from a consistently poor diet. I want to tell myself to get it together, but whenever I look at the mirror, I face a reflection who points at the teetering placard hanging around her neck: CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

I slide to the ground. Knees to my chest. Chin on my knees. Fingers in my hair. I pull hard until I can actually feel something. My brain feels like it has short-circuited, putting a halt to all the things I’ve tried to preserve since my last breakdown. The motivation, curiosity, warmth, and passion – all of it is being suppressed by numb indifference. 

God – seriously – where am I?!

Also -seriously – where are You?

 Breaking Good Habits and Reverting to Bad Ones: A Photoset





3 thoughts on “Pit

  1. Katriel says:

    I literally know EXACTLY how you feel! This is something I’m going through right now, slipping in and out of a pit. I’ve told God I need I get back on track, but I just need to find the strength and discipline to start the road to recovery.
    Just know you’re NOT ALONE!! We’re gonna make it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s