[BURNOUT SERIES PART 2]
hello, it is Fran’s second voice. this is weird isn’t it? but it’s happening hahahah so bear with me. hmmm how do I explain this without being cringey? the Fran that writes and is super in touch with her emotions, the Fran that is trying her best to get back into it….that Fran is not exactly all present yet. it happens all the time. I don’t really know where she goes, don’t really know whether leaving me in charge of her body is ever a good idea but every time she runs into a wall, I become the designated substitute. so! it’s me! the apathetic, carefree, less eloquent, less professional understudy filling you in for now.
she told me to do this because …something about documenting the reconstruction after the burnout being just as important as documenting the crash itself ? yeah, I don’t know dude… her ideas get a little too abstract if you ask me. uhh, she also said to make a list of the stuff I’ve been doing while she’s been gone, so here it is:
- I’ve been on the hunt for regular wooden #2 pencils because the practice of sharpening is such instant gratification. if the graphite part comes out perfectly sharp in one try, it feels like you’ve won a game. the only pencil I found was this sleek black ticonderoga with minimal eraser useage. what a score though, right?
- the real reason I needed wooden pencils was because I was pouring my time into my first love – fiction – instead of journaling for once. I needed a refreshing writing mechanism that didn’t involve my laptop, my ball-point/gel pens, or my mechanical pencils (since they’re too reminiscent of the homework I knew I should have been doing instead). I think it worked! on monday, I wrote 1,461 words! I’ve never been able to write that much in a day, so it was a personal achievement I am still very proud of. thought: isn’t it weird how I hold my fiction work in a much higher intimacy level than my journal entries about my life? why am I so reluctant and terrified to share stories that aren’t even mine? what the heck!
- I also made a separate trip to target and bought a clipboard…because I figured it would satisfy my newfound interest in old-school school supplies
- I did a lot of walking this week. it helps a lot. on walks, I keep going until my Spotify starts getting glitchy or until the sidewalk turns into an inaccessible bike lane and I have no choice but to turn back around.
- hmm…ohhhhh….my sleeping schedule has been really bad. I am embarking on my third night in a row where I sleep at 5 in the morning and wake up at 8 three hours later. I know this is probably normal for a lot of college students but I definitely miss being able to sleep at midnight.
- the reason I sleep so late is because I push off my homework until after I shower. I push off showering until around 2 A.M., after I scroll through social media and watch kpop videos the whole day.
- oh man, I admit the one thing I really can’t do is manage time: I studied for my ochem and public health midterms the night before/morning of the exam. each of my homework assignments (my soc paper, pre-lab sapling, post lab report, pre-lab outline) have been turned in within one hour AT MOST from the deadline. the thing is, if I don’t feel like doing it…I really will not do it. yet the key here is that I turned in something at least you know?
- dipped my toes into anime: chihayafuru (thanks to my roommate)
- I’ve been looking really gross and pudgy and disheveled lol. but listen, if you look like a mess consistently enough, people are going to believe it’s just your aesthetic. I ran out of pajama shirts because I kept wearing them as going-out clothes. plus, I think my hair has a permanent notch in it because I kept putting it in an ugly (not even cute, intentionally messy) bun. it’s the type of bun that makes you look bald when you look at yourself straight on in the mirror.
- chocolate, subway sandwiches, and chips make up my food pyramid, so not only do I look gross, I feel it too. it’s okay though, I had spinach in my meatball marinara the other day. It’s my dose of greens for the week.
- I want a camera really bad, one of those expensive $500+ point-and-shoot ones. One of those that you can’t just impulsively buy so you have to go check your bank account to see how much money you have and how much money you will need. One of those that forces you to head into the on-campus Wells Fargo office to ask about altering your checking account so you don’t have to pay the monthly service fee of $15 because what the hell since when was I paying $15 a month and why didn’t I fix this earlier??? yeah, one of those.
all these odd engagements into different hobbies, routines, and forms of entertainment highlight the blaring reality of how to cope when your brain is tired of stressing over the same thing: you need a break. a distraction. a new setting. a clear head. ANYTHING to make you think about life outside of your bubble. this is Fran’s coping mechanism. when she loses grasp of the things she so desperately needs to control, she reverts to the most minuscule ways she can gain that control back. I don’t think she’s going to listen to me but that girl definitely needs more balance. there’s time to hustle, but the time to rest is just as necessary.
Where Have You Been: A Photoset