I want to kick something.
In less than two minutes, I bursted through the garage and sprinted down the street until I reached the stop sign. My heart pumped faster, like an abandoned factory shaking off its cobwebs for the first time, but it wasn’t enough. Past the stop sign was a huge hill.
If I sprint, I’ll feel it.
Feel what exactly? The sting of your lungs gasping for air, the abrupt nausea swirling and spreading from your brain to your ears, the need for your stomach to empty its contents then and there – IDK…Running always feels like you’re dying okay – and when you realize that you’re not actually dying; that you’re just going through the process of detoxifying all the junk out of your body, you feel like you’re doing something right for once. And that was my goal: to feel like I was dying to the point where I could come back to the house and forget the negativity that had trapped me in the delirious state in the first place.
By the time I got to the top of the hill, the only thing I could hear was the 1-2-1-2 pounce of my feet syncopated with the HEEEE-HOOOO-HEEEE-HOOO wheeze of my unsteady breaths. I was literally so loud; it disrupted the serene aura of suburban quietness. Speaking of suburban –
This was the part when I hopped off the sidewalk to cross the street and the Porsche waiting behind the line zoomed forward, missing me by a few feet. The man driving it had his window down, making eye contact with me as I stood frozen in fear. When I reached the other end of the sidewalk, I got angry.
I am not invisible!!!!!!!!! was all I could think. And somehow this spiraled into me powering through another hill, breaths turning into sobs, a single salty tear streaking down my right cheek. Eventually, the gears in my muscles begged me to stop and I caved in. As it worked out, this was also the peak of my nausea so as soon as I slowed to a walk, I fought against puking my Chipotle out on the curb.
I did feel like dying. Except this time, instead of cowering in the confines of my bed sheets, I was outside… running in the dark… feeling more alive than ever.