crying at the doctor’s office

Today was my first day being at a doctors office that wasn’t a pediatrician and let me tell you, it was very scary. I went alone. They asked a lot of questions I didn’t know how to answer, things like ‘copays’ and ‘primary responsible party’ and ‘would you like to get ur Pap smear done today?’ 

I should’ve noticed how increasingly hot I felt and probably was partly due to the dumb turtleneck I decided to wear. But the real adventure happened at the blood drawing room. (After I got my tetanus shot which I got through without any whining or hand holding thank u ver much)

Long story short, she put a needle in my arm, I felt the pinch, looked back down to my elbow as my skin puckered up around the foreign object and waited for the blood – waited and waited until the nurse had to take it out and said ‘we’ll try for a smaller needle’. And I don’t know when it started but it happened very quickly but also slow mo where I looked away again, she put the smaller needle in, and I couldn’t look back down because my stomach felt REALLY turbulent like something was about to flip and jump out from it. Shallow breaths vision unfocusing/refocusing head lolling to one side and SWEAT. A lot a lot a lot of sweat I was freaking burning in there. I only know this now bc my back remained soaked even after the episode calmed down.

‘U ok?’ she asked.

‘I feel queasy,’ I said. ‘Can I get some water,’ I said.

And within no time the needle was out, a can of apple juice was up to my lips and the tears started to cloud my glasses. She kept waving a wad of rubbing alcohol underneath my nose and that prob snapped me back multiple times. Really annoying though it was like wanting very badly to sleep but having someone go ‘here smell this’ so I couldn’t. Don’t know why I had to explain That sentence was exactly how I already said it before. Omg anyway, Why the eff was I crying?? Idk but it felt so relieving. The nurse was very reassuring and took care of me, told me to lie down once I started to feel better, gave me a tissue, asked if I was nervous. And I was. 

That was prob one of the most vulnerable situations I’d been in in a long time where I couldn’t just lean into my mom or someone else. I felt so inadequate and dumb not knowing what to do, drained after the constant courage pill, and yet I couldn’t make it through without breaking. At the end of the day, I’m still the girl who gets scared of everything, the weakness I never grow out of. 

Beyond that though, I am absolutely awestruck at biological responses. Things that just happen like they say in the textbooks without your brain consciously doing anything. My god, this Vasovagal syncope thing was what I found on the internet and just wow- your body fights so hard and does so much without you knowing. I haven’t even heard from my stomach in a whole – who I woulda known she could make me feel nauseous in seconds. Stupid nerve receptors.

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